Jess

1. Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
Jess needs a shower (pew).
Creepily, I am about to take a shower.

2. Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Jess looks like a dumb infected duck.
Are there nerdy looking ducks; there needs to be an antithesis to these dumb-looking ducks I have never seen.

3. Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
Jess does da 'Roon.
The macaroon?

4. Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Jess hates myspace.
Fact.

5. Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Jess goes interactive.
Beep. Beep beep beep. Transmitters ready. Let's go...interactive.

6. Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Jess loves NYC.
Falsehood. It was nice but kinda smelly.

7. Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Jess eats lunch on Flickr.
I am not that into sharing on the internet. Keeping my lunchtime private, actually.

8. Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Jess has to pee.
*peeks over shoulder* It's like they KNOW.

9. Type in "[your name] died" in Google search:
Jess died a Jew.
I'm worried I'm going to turn full Jew before I died now. Thank you, heritage.

10. Type in "[your name] won't" in Google Search:
Jess won't be asking Amy.
I don't even know what that song means; who is Amy?

11. Type in "[your name] can't" in Google Search:
Jess can't cook.
But I try!

12. Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
Jess wants her baby NOW!
WHOA WHOA WHOA. I'm all for babies and shit, but just whoa. For a minute. Okay?